Post image for Milstein At The Movies: The Wedding Ringer

This is one of those new hybrid sequels where they tie two movies together in one movie. In this case The Wedding Singer and The Ringer. One was a light hearted period piece about the dangers of delving too deeply into timely trending fashions starring Adam Sandblerg. The other was barely a movie where mentally handicapped actor, Johnny Knoxville, plays a non-mentally handicapped character who pretends to be mentally handicapped to win…I don’t know, a scavenger hunt or something. A hot dog biting contest? Whatevs. The studios like to smoosh films like these together as a tax loophole since the Trilogy Act of 2005. A law that must have been passed around then forcing studios to franchise every film ever.

Kevin’s Heart…

IT IS REQUIRED BY LAW AT THIS POINT HAVING STATED PUBLICLY OR ON A RECORDING OR APPEARING IN WRITTEN FORMAT INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO PERIODICAL JOURNALS, INTERNET WEBSITES, BILLBOARDS, ETC THE PROFESSIONAL ACTOR’S NAME [KEVIN’S HEART] MUST AT LEAST ONCE PER MINUTE OF RECORDED MATERIAL OR PER PAGE OF WRITTEN MATERIAL BE ACCOMPANIED BY A RECORDED OR WRITTEN EXPLANATION OF KEVIN HEART’S NAME APPROPRIATELY:

[Radcliffe Snoodlesby grew up in the simulated early 1700’s. The son of two full time period reenactors at Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia. His parents, Dunkel and Stumbelina, pretended to act in the affected town’s Kimball Theater. Stumbelina got her Masters in ironic failure from Julliard. Dunkel was a WAR veteran having PTSD from hearing the Edwin Starr song “WAR” too many times. He needed to be in an environment where his chances of coming in contact with a radio were slim to none as on the off chance he would hear it his body would go into seizures to the rhythm and for the duration of the song. C.W. was a natural fit for Dunkel and the perfect place for Stumbers to follow her passion.

Rad, as he’s known by no one at all or “Cliffordsworth” as he was once called by a troubled old woman who mostly thought she was a moose with monkey paws when she wasn’t yelling nonsense words at strangers on the street, was born into fake hardship. He spent the first several years of his life wearing clothes made out of old frayed bullwhips which he became a master at using while getting undressed for bed every night. He adapted to life well. He learned to shower in waterfalls and roll circles down the street with sticks and shit. He was fake-happy enough.

One day he met Kevin, a modern boy who’s shoes weren’t made of straw held together by dried cow doodie. Kevin’s parents coincidentally had neither learned the concept of fun when they met so once they married they vacationed at Colonial Williamsburg every summer giving Kevin and Radcliffe a chance to annually grow up together a few moths at a time. They quickly became best friends. Kev slowly taught Rad about electricity and zippers. Rad showed Kevin all the different types of rocks that he could throw, eat, or whip. 

On Radly’s sixteenth b-day Kevly got him a radio which terrified him at first seeming to be possessed with black magic but once the device was explained to him he quite liked it. Unfortunately, upon excitedly showing it to his to his father one day while Stumbs was out at the weaver getting all their hats maple syruped, the song WAR came on as you may have guessed by the shoddy use of the word “Unfortunately” as foreshadowing might suggest, Dunkel danced until their family home came apart and collapsed on top of him and killed him. He didn’t even make it to the first chorus as the house was held together by those ball in a cup games. A popular misconception, they weren’t games at all, they were nails.

Radcliffe immediately had to take over his father’s role as fake actor in all the fake versions of real plays at Kimball theater. Here he began to shine receiving semi-sincere accolades in all of the fake papers from the real failed actors playing made up colonial critics. Tourists would often say they could almost forget that they were watching sadly meta campy garbage. But at home, which was now just a stack of barrels and a frayed bullwhip blanket, things were falling apart as Stumbelina’s web of half truths about the world outside C.W. quickly unraveled. One night in a fit of rage after learning that food can be cooked and that by doing so he wouldn’t become violently ill literally every time he tried to nourish himself, Radcliffe threw an anvil at his mom’s head killing her instantly. 

Fake colonial attitudes toward women being what they were, Rad’s fake lawyer got him off in a fake court of law by yelling the word “witch” a bunch and also pointing out that it was actually illegal back then to not kill your mom with an anvil. The real world had to uphold the decision as Radcliffe was technically not a real person at the time. At this time the state recognized him as a real boy and warned him to not throw any more anvils from that point forward.

Radcliffe worked his last season. On his eighteenth b-day moved into the real world into an apartment with Kevin. When he got to the apartment Kevin handed him a birthday present. He opened it and saw it was a ball in a cup game. He looked at Kevin with tears in his eyes. Kevin said, “It’s a nail for you to hang up your first picture in your new real room.” Rad had a lot on his mind after technically killing both of his parents and also seeing rubber and cement for the first time. Rad ran his fingers over the rope and before he could stop himself his hand twitched instinctively in an old familiar way and he whipped the ball at the end of that rope through the chest of the only person he knew and loved in the world sending Kevin’s heart out through his back like a fucking potato gun.

Rad then sued the ball in a cup people for making the most dangerous nails known to man. He won the suit, changed his name to “Kevin’s Heart (see current obligatory explanation)” and moved to Los Angeles to set up the Kevin’s Heart’s Heart Foundation, a for-profit dedicated to raising awareness of real actor, Kevin’s Heart. He’s become quite a successful actor, acting exclusively in movies funded by the KHHF.]

…in the Wedding Singer role and not Jack Black as the groom with mental problems. There are some misunderstandings. One seems smarter throughout but wouldn’t you know it? Spoiler alert: by the end, the other one has a lesson or two to teach the one that seemed smarter at first about life or something. I don’t know. He didn’t teach them to me, just to the other guy in the movie. Ultimately, these two knuckleheads goof it up in what I might be the first to describe as legendary intertwining of two cinematic classics. What more could I possibly say?! I give it two thumbs, one on each hand!

- Seth Milstein

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Post image for Exclusive Premiere: A VOLCANO “Awake, Forget”

PDX cavenoise monsters, A Volcano are dropping a new record, Living In Stone Castles By A Cold, Cold Sea on the 23rd. We’ve heard the whole thing, and are stoked to sit down with it and get more comfortable. Leaked track, “Awake, Forget” begins, deceptively like a retro-garage rocker but rapidly transforms into an aggressive, 2 minute gut puncher, rife with yelps and explosive guitars. The boys will be playing Wandering Goat with Entrail and Moan on Saturday the 24th, but for now, enjoy “Awake, Forget”

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Post image for Moon Duo Premiere Derpy New Video Featuring Pro Skater, Richie Jackson

The new record from Sacred Bones space rockers, Moon Duo doesn’t drop until March 3rd, but already the video for the advance single, “Animal” has over 50,000 views. How? Never underestimate the combined power of a catchy track, an incredibly talented pro-skater and a hearty helping of good old fashioned goof-ball.

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Post image for Rapid Fire Reviews: Five Short Record Reviews By The Impatient For The Impatient

Rapid Fire Reviews are an experiment in knee-jerk responses. The album is played in it’s entirety once, notes are taken during play, and the brief review is written immediately after that single play. Don’t take ‘em too seriously, guys. – Joshua Isaac Finch

Cool Sounds – Healing Crystals (Beko)

The Pros: Super chill jams. Melbourne, Australia’s Cool Sounds want to be the warm soothing chamomile you… pour into your ears? The sax on opener, “Scare Tactics” is about as relaxing as it gets. The gentle tremble of the guitar delay is pure sunshine and lithium. The chill is so intense that it nearly drowns out the screaming of my room mates children, and that’s just nice. The Cons: Third track “Night Line” has an out of place clunkiness that makes me think of a mediocre college radio band that might have opened for R.E.M. in 1987. Which, I guess is fine if Cool Sounds happen to be fans of that band.

Battle Beast – Unholy Savior (Nuclear Blast)

Dio & Lita Ford Have An Unholy Baby: The Band.

Nubosidad Parcial – Fractal (Self)

Santiago, Chile’s Nubosidad Parcial might not be the greatest candidate for a “one shot” record review. This is the kind of record I’d really need to sink my teeth into to give it a fair shake. There’s a bit more to dig into here, being more progressive in nature, the record features a wide range of stylistic influences, ranging from flowing, melodic progressions, reminiscent of early Dredg to syncopated, almost carnival riffing (the first minute of “Trascender, before it dissolves into crunchier progressions), while closer, “Respiro” verges on heavy surf. An intriguing introduction.

Statues – Together We’re Alone (Highland Records)

There’s some big fucking talk about this record. Monolith and Rock Sound both have really pretty, cup the balls sorta shit to say about Perth’s shiny new angries, and I’m not about to disagree with ‘em. As a jaded, give-no-fucks-about-hardcore-anymore, “scenedad” type, I don’t need a new hardcore record. I’m fine. You can’t reinvent a wheel for me, I like the wheel I have just fine, but if Statues came to my town, you bet your tight jeans and deck shoes I’d be there.

Ian Kashani – Redbird (Self)

Ian Kashani’s new album is a collection of songs that document one man’s love for indie-pop. Now living in San Francisco, it appears the change of scenery has promoted some heavy creativity being that his last full length dropped a mere 6 months ago. The record opens with what may or may not be an intentional nod to Kashani’s time in Portland, “All In My Head” plays like an unwritten Elliott Smith track, a comparison made easily with any lo-fi singer songwriter, but it feels apt here all the same. Kashani shares Smith’s innate ability to utter the most unhappy things while sounding like a breath of fresh air. I’d give this one a second and probably third listen.

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Post image for House Of Rabbits Tiny Desk Concerts Video Submission “Traje de Luces”

Los Angeles vaudevillian hardcore act, House Of Rabbits is no stranger to us here at Exiled. We’ve been fans since they stopped through here last year and have been eagerly awaiting a second coming. The band, which began as a solo project of composer/vocalist Jess Gabriell Cron, but now includes members of Exhausted Prayer, The Milky Way and Famous Psychos, recently comprised this charming acoustic rendition of their song, “Traje de Luces” as a submission video for NPR’s Tiny Desk Concerts. Here’s hoping NPR takes the bait. – Joshua Isaac Finch

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